i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
