I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
