I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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