Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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