I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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