he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
