I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
