So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
