So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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