At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize