Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
