dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
