the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
