We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
