I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
