Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
