So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
