I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
