i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
