You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
