the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
