I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
