question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
