Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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