before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
