I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
