she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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