Umm I'm too high to move.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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