if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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