A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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