Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
