dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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