i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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