meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
