Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
