if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
