so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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