Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
