did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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