Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
wow bdsm is so cute
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