i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
