I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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