I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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