Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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