I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
this hospital has no fireball
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
