We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
