i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
