The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
