i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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