mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
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