I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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