Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
