I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
