youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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