just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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