you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
