Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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