the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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