a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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