how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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