Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
