She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize