I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
