Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
