my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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