New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize