He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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