I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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